"I always find it so easy, so natural to share myself with strangers I don't think twice about. The moment I start to care about how I will feel or how that person may feel about me, I almost sabotage myself. I choke up. I listen and my mouth feels incapable, my mind in gibberish, in an alien thought, another planet."
Sweater - // Skirt - Nasty Gal // Cirella Sandals - Aldo Shoes // Large Lexington Chronograph Watch - Michael Kors
Have you ever found it absolutely ridiculous that what you don't want the most, what you never intended, what you potentially may overlook... comes so easy to you. Almost too easy that you instinctively push it away. Just like this location, I could've walked by it but something drew me to it like fate shall have it. I could walk by this place and never look back, never give it a thought, but how I would have truly missed out on this gorgeous setting. On this rugged dump. As it truly was but I saw beauty in it and Erika shared the vision with me. Raf, too. It fills my soul to have others who also see my vision, let alone help me bring it to life. Something beautiful came from something we could've walked passed.
I can say that this philosophy follows me. I always find it so easy, so natural to share myself with strangers I don't think twice about. The moment I start to care about how I will feel or how that person may feel about me, I almost sabotage myself. I choke up. I listen and my mouth feels incapable, my mind in gibberish, in an alien thought, another planet. I become calculating. I no longer know what it means to be human or even an alien of the same dimension. It's truly isn't cute. I am a mess that I can only tell as I melt below the bar stool. Meanwhile, he stares at me like a basic chick. Which is worse than the wicked witch from the west melting beneath his feet.
Of course, I say this out of complete relevance and with a story to share. On a funny Monday evening, I took a cab back from an amazingly spontaneous date that I can only attribute to complete ignorance and curiosity. I've shared more of myself to this human being and then the cab driver who proceeded to ask me to grab a drink than with a young man I had met and who I had been thinking about constantly. I was actually interested in this individual who, at the time, kept me on my toes and carried no apparent foundation nor any idea of what and who I am. He knew nothing of who I was, what I did, what went through my mind on a daily basis, what I enjoyed reading, what I wrote about, what I created with my bare hands, and how I like to spend nights in my underwear writing blog posts. And how I like feet rubs while I type away. No, no. He doesn't know any of this because I am so concerned about what he can do to me. What he can do once I let him in. On the contrary, I am sharing this night with someone else I initially can care less about. But, I must've known deep inside how this spontaneous night was good for me because I am there, nonetheless. This waiter that made it apparent that he wanted to take me out, who I had no real feelings about made me smile. He made me feel like I had a voice that had to be heard. That it could shake the world, and more importantly it could shake his world. He was concerned when I looked at the bar patrons while I rolled at my eyes. He asked if I was okay. Because he knew... he read my energy from the moment the patrons disrespected the bartender that I claimed. The bartender who served us with a smile and shared an inside joke, she belonged to us. She was now my friend and I made it my internal responsibility to protect her. The same date or strange man who has traveled around the world and who I have shared 4 or 5 drinks, who have joined me on this spontaneous Monday night also knew that my mother had a miscarriage before she ever had me and the tragic way it happened. I shared that with him. Funny, isn't it. Sometimes, I'm not sure that it is. But tonight, it is. And I spin around in my underwear, clink the air, and the city skyline that Monday evening as I walk into my apartment. Because that night, I felt like an entirely open book. I can take down the world with a beat of a heart. And the world is listening eagerly.
I hope you get to feel that way one evening or many evenings. It's a great and human feeling.