There are very few and rare moments in my life that I have ever felt “Wow, I fit in here.” In high school, I knew every clique and group. I knew their names and we were cordial and friendly and even Facebook friends. I didn’t hate them. They didn’t hate me. But I was never “in” any particular group. I never hung out with a group in particular or people in my high school for that matter. I didn’t really talk to them. I didn’t know anything deeper than what they wanted me to know and what I wanted them to know. At lunch, I sat with someone different every year. I was in clubs because I was told that I needed to be in one. When I joined Theater Club during my senior year, I had a passion for acting but the people in Theater Club just didn’t have quite a fondness for me. I watched them talk about things I truly did not give a shit about. Instead of pretending, I just didn’t join the conversation. I got close to a few girls that talked about things I did care about. But in high school, you can’t only like one or two people from the group. You must accept the whole thing or you’re not in it. Well, fuck that, By all means, I don’t want to deceive you. I found friends outside of high school. That took up my time. And gave me a sense of relief in the frustration I had, mainly with myself at first. I blamed myself for being so freaking weird. Maybe it was me, not them. I was a circle peg in a square world. And that feeling never left me.
I couldn’t accept the act of pretending, so I decided that the only way to combat that feeling is to make my own groups. I was quite ambitious. And it worked out for awhile. But that also ended. Something was always missing. Something, something I couldn’t figure out for the life of me, always made it fall apart. The kind of falling that tore me into shreds, built walls around my heart, and had me jaded. It happened over and over again. Until, I couldn’t do it anymore. It wasn’t working. So I stopped. Two years ago, I decided to just deal with it. With myself. I had to stop fixing it, whatever it is.
You know, I still feel like I don’t belong most days. But instead of actively trying to fix it, I let it happen. I find something to enjoy in the situation that is making me feel uncomfortable. And you know what, I like that fact about myself—not being able to fit in. I think that’s what my friends like about me, too.
Life is about ideas you develop, and you challenge it. You challenge your beliefs. You accept defeat. You accept new ideas, too. You just keep going, keep searching. For the answers. For yourself.
Shorts - One Teaspoon