If life is a serious of decisions, then I’m going to jump the gun and say that there are going to be moments when the socially right thing to do is absolutely not what you feel like doing. Scratch that. You’re going to experience it all the time. Or maybe I just do. And the older I get, I assumed that it would be easier to decide which route to take. Reality is – it doesn’t. I’ve grown cocky with my decision making skills, generally following my 68% “whatever the fuck I feel” and 32% “not my battle today” ratio. I get cocky in who I am, making it harder to be open to saying the right things to say in efforts of comfort as oppose to just saying how I really feel.
Here are some things I would much rather say in many conversational occasions:
1. “Wow, I really don’t care about anything that is coming out of your mouth.”We’ve all been here. I don’t know how many times I’ve been in a situation where my boss pimps me out to new potential business and I have to sit there and act like I care about what they think about the weather, their favorite shitty restaurant in NYC, what their dog looks like after the 2nd blurry photo, and pretty much anything else.
2. “Fuck, what’s your name again?”I suck at remembering names. And it bothers the hell out of me. 7 out of 10 times, I’m trying to rack my brain for your name while you’re telling me about that one time you ran into Rita Ora in Soho.
3. “I would rather eat my own feces than follow you.”Do NOT grab my phone and enter your handle and then proceed to press the follow button without exchanging more than 5 words with me first. You IG whore.
4. “Ha, that’s funny that you think we’re going to be friends.”We have zero in common. I know you don’t like me. Don’t pretend to be my friend. And let’s just not pretend to be nice to one another either. In fact, let’s Kill Bill this bitch.
5. “No. The answer is no.”Why is it so hard to just say NO sometimes! Like no, I don’t ever want to do brunch with you. No, I don’t want to talk to that ugly dude so you can talk to his friend. No, I don’t want this kale salad but I’m going to eat it anyway. NO!
6. “I’m going to laugh to make you feel better but I just want to turn my ass around and walk away.”Keep your day job. You won’t succeed in improv.
7. “What exactly do you want from me?”Let’s cut to the chase. Why are you talking to me? What exactly do you think will benefit you in our exchange? And…how do you want to use me? Bitch.
8. “I hate this”small talk thing we'e trying to do.
9. “You’re racist.”No, I am not Chinese. No, I don’t know your only Viet friend that you knew when you were 12 years ago. Pho is not pronounced “poe”. My family does work at a nail salon but you are not allowed to show me your nails and wink at me like I know the Secret Nail Society, you racist ignorant ass.
10. “Please stop talking.”You have been talking about yourself for the last 5 minutes. Did you even breathe? If I could just make you shut every hole on your face.
Visuals by Lydia Hudgens