My past is chasing me.
In the last two weeks, old feelings, old faces, and old pictures have been surfacing. I blame Broad City. The stupid Facebook feature. And retrograde. Let me explain…
Broad City reminds me of the friendship I always tried to obtain but never achieved. Not because my friends are bad (love ya, bitches!) or that I'm a shitty person (mm, maybe). Friendships like Abbi and Ilana’s are almost nonexistent. Not to say that they don't exist or there's moment on that show that I couldn't absolutely relate to. I could. But this show described 10 of my friends from 10 very different situations in my life that required a Facetime throwup cause I’m too drunk fest.
Simultaneously I am doing my monthly Facebook check, and the memories shit pops up. I hate these photos. I despise them. I have them because they are precious memories. But I don’t want to see them! It wants to show me what I did and who I was with five years ago when I was a completely different person. I barely know that Lynn anymore. Or that person I’m doing a fishbowk stand in Jersey Shore with. But I catch myself missing the feeling. The feeling of having that one or two or three person/s that I spoke to every single day. But what I don't miss is what went wrong. The ego. The unreturned efforts. The fight.
And fuck you retrograde. You made me sit in retrospection and you made my phone shut off for no goddamn reason. And miss the train. And feel like an emotional wreck.
So yeah. I had to talk myself out of...myself. And with the help of my best friend--my boyfriend--I knew that this was temporary. And I am okay. And I am not alone in this feeling. Or this world.
Visuals by Juliano